Friday the Semii-teenth

Semii... it's a lovely word for the Japanese, it brings forth visions of summertime, and walks in the park and songs of happiness. and the gentle sound of "Weeeeee We We Weeeeerrrrrrrrr..."

For me, it's sheer terror...

Semii, you see, is Japanese for "Cicada"... if you don't know, but really want to know; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cicada (I looked at that page and was horrified beyond belief... view at your own risk!!!! God... there was even an animation! *Shiver*)

I know people in Texas know them, I saw my first Cicada there... see, my cousin lost his life once by putting a molted Cicada shell next to my head as I was sleeping. Unfortunately for him, I woke up before he could get out of the room... it was ugly...

Anyway, Japanese Semii are, you see, a way of life here.

For me it's a passage in terror.

You see, the Semii here are HUGE... lemme say that again; HUGE... they are about 15 feet in length with a 40 foot wingspan. They are part of the Mothra family.

Luckily Godzilla summers here, so generally the Semii duke it out with him every summer. It makes for a fantastic light show. Sometimes the Japanese put on a festival, with little Semii and Godzilla print kimono and add their own fireworks to it. It's really rather lovely.

In World War II, the Japanese employed Semii as part of a smear campaign on American bombers' windshields. A practice, I'm sad to report, that still continues to this day as they seek out helpless Americans and smear their windshields... The Japanese Defense Force has denied any involvement in their continued training, citing that it was written into the peace treaty signed in 1945. They are quick to remind us that the Americans considered Semii a Weapon of Mass Destruction at that time.

When they hit it shakes my entire car... I cannot express how unnerving it is to feel an insect impact through the gas pedal...

Anyway, the Semii are out to get me. They hate me... I don't know why, I guess it's genetic memory from the Hiroshima bomb that is obviously the source of their mutation.

The other day I was walking across my parking lot, when I noticed a Semii sitting in the middle of the lot (it was double-parked)... It chittered at me, sinisterly (nothing chitters more sinisterly than a mutated bug). Naturally, I gave it a wide birth...

So, naturally, it flies right at me. Chittering the entire way!

It strikes me square in the chest, which feels a lot like being shot with a 30/30 rifle... (I could see the navigation lights on the thing's wings...)

I do the only thing that one can do when under attack by a War-trained, Nuclear Bomb mutated, steriod pumped (though they'll deny it) sinisterly chittering bug...

I scream like a woman.

I flail, I run, I weave, I jump, I holler, I hoot, I summon rain for the next three weeks for this and all neighboring prefectures.

My neighbor looks out of his window at me... well... he muses... this brings a whole new level of "wierd" for the foreigner... at least he's not naked...

I fumble with my keys, trying to unlock the door, my heart racing, my forehead sweating, I'd be less terrified if Freddie and Jason were standing next to Jack the ripper all sharpening their knives on my thighbone.

I get inside... I'm safe... for now...

But, outside.... that stupid insane bug is repeatedly crashing against all the doors, maddened that he didn't kill me when he had the chance. He's still chattering, but now it's in frustration (I know these things, "Know Thine Enemy" it's a commandment or something) I'm sure this ruckus brings all of my Japanese neighbors outside (Thinking, of course, that it must be the mailman... at 9 oclock... on a Friday night... this is part of the semii subterfuge. It's from the urban WWII training)... of course, I know my neighbors probably stuck their heads out, saw the semii, said "Oh! How adorable! A Semii!", hugged it, patted it on the head, and went to bed, not giving a second thought to their consorting with a demon.

Fast-forward to today. I go to the park with my friends and my lovely girlfriend for a cookout.

The Semii's see me coming and conviene a war council... attempting to distract me from my cheese-filled hotdog, they buzz me numberous times... do they buzz anyone else? Of course not.. just me. You see, semii, like cats, are sensitive to those who are afraid of them (Or allergic to them), and nothing makes them want to cuddle more than knowing you are among the fearful.

I manage to eat lunch and even enjoy the company, but I am always keeping one eye on the Semii (Which is rather painful, and takes many, many years of practice and experience working in a Kindergarten).

So as I'm leaving, I'm saying goodbye to Maia when...

A semii mistakes me for Narita International Airport and lands on my arm... And it proceeds then to look at me...

looking...

Maia says something awesome; "Um..." (what can she say? She knows what'll happen when I realize what has just landed on my arm...)

I'm not one to let Maia down. I love her, see... thus, I dutifully begin screaming like a woman, flailing my arms and performing that ancient and elaborate "Getoffmyarmyoudisgustingcreature" dance. Which I might say, I performed rather well... maybe not as well as ultra-tiny dog owners (They have more opportunity to practice, thank goodness), but I did a pretty bang-up job.

The shame... the shame...

When I look back on it, I always hope that what Maia saw was a wonderful interpretation of the ancient Whatahazi mating dance... but I really think she was wise to me... to her credit, though, she didn't start laughing until after I unwrapped myself from her head and ran to my car and drove off, weaving to dodge the gaggle of cute little kids laughing merily and exchanging their Semii and Godzilla trading cards.

The worst part is that even as I write this, I have had to do a double-take on my arm at least three times because I could have sworn there was a semii sitting on it... I'm truly traumatized by this...

God, I hate semii... I'll be glad when summer is over and the beasts are all dead and gone...

---Chitter... shiver...