Even when you know it might happen...

I come to school this morning and the tension is palpable in the teachers' room.

The second year teachers are huddled, and no one returns my super happy "Good Morning"s...

The huddle breaks and my second year teacher comes back to her desk (It's the one next to mine)

"That seemed serious..." I say.

"One of the girls in my class slit her wrists and is in the hospital." She says...

My eyes grow as big as plates...

"Is she okay?"

"Now, yes."

"Who?"

She tells me... then I think about it, and I can't bring a face to the name... It's not a girl I know...

"Was she bullied?" I ask.

"We don't really know now... It will take some time to get all the details."

Japan has a really high suicide rate. The pressure to perform at 140% here is enormous. Even on us foreign teachers, whom are generally thought of as outsiders. It's astonishing.

And the kids... They are under amazing pressure to perform here. At the end of third year, they test for High School... should they do badly on that test, they end up at a dead-end high school, one which may not have any real option for college (Because, lets' face it, if you didn't do good enough to get into a good High School, how could you possibly be good enough for our college?). If you go to MyTown High, you are doomed. It's the lowest ranked High School in the area. You'd almost be better of quitting school. So, at 15 they must make the decision that will make or break them. This society isn't designed to allow people to "Rise from behind" like American society is. If you end up working McDonalds, that's where you will be for the rest of your life. You could realize you were doomed as early as second grade (Junior High, 8th grade for you Americans, and Grade 8 for you Canadians :D). Now, I have always been a proponent of the "14 is the age of adulthood" version of kid-growing-things... but society sees it differently; and these kids are a product of this society... even if they have the potential to be adults about it, they are not tapping said potential...

Add to that bullying (Which is totally out of control) and there are only so many of us to watch those kids... and they aren't stupid; They don't bully each other when we are around. Add the fact that both parents typically work sometimes as much as 16 hours a day... you have a really bad mix for the kids.

...

You know, we were warned about suicide during training... Told that it might happen at any time... relayed horror stories of other teachers who had been involved when a child decided to take their own lives...

But it hadn't happened to me...

I am most bothered that I can't seem to bring up a face to match her name...

I'm sure that if I saw her, I'd remember her...

But if she had succeeded... I wouldn't have remembered her.

I know it's asking too much of my brain to memorize all 400 kids, but it is damn frustrating not being able to pull a kids face out of a crowd... especially when she is having trouble...

---Whoever I am...