So, the same weekend where I went out to the Capital and tested for Niidan I also had a run-in with a different kind of emotional situaion.
My Nanna passed away.
This has more than a few profound effects on me.
The emotional part, though there, is muted. Nanna had Alzheimers and since abotu the time that mom died she really hasn't made much sense of life... so to me, my Nanna left me in 2001/2002. When she came to Denver for mom's funeral, she kept asking over and over who it was that had died, and when we told her it was mom, she seemed shocked every time. Repeating that she was too young to die...
This has been a blessing and a curse, when my uncle died in an ATV accident a few years back, she would have to go through the loss of a son over and over and over again... until I think both dad and my cousin just opted not to mention it any more...
But she was my last grandparent. In my nuclear family, I'm down to a dad and a sister, which is a shocking realization. Of course I have Maia (And if you count Maia, you can count my step-mom, who is pretty cool, too), and then you extend out to my non-nuclear, but still pretty high-explosive family (Mal, James, Jer, you know who you all are) and it's not like I feel like I have no family... quite the contrary, I feel very loved. Of course, I now have a whole squadron of aunts and an uncle (You know who you are, too Pat).
It's just that I never imagined a time would come when I would be facing the fact that I have almost no one left in the nuclear family. My sister is pretty much eternal at this point, young and vibrant, but dad... he's certainly not on his last leg, but I can see now that he isn't eternal... There will come a time when it will just be G and I...
This doesn't bother me like I thought it would, it bothers me in a totally different way; I can see now why people want to believe in an afterlife (I'm not saying I do or don't, here... I'm just observing). There are more people in my family who are gone than there are who are alive.
My great grandfather, Daddy Jo, died when I was 8, his wife, Mama-O, died when I was 10, Grandmother (My grandmothers' mother... we called her "Grandmother"... it's a southern thing), died when I was in my early 20's. Even Grandmother's husband died when I was 2... and Aunt Betty (my mom's mom's grandmother) died when I was 4... When I was born I had 3 grandparents and 5 great grandparents.
My children will be born with no great grandparents on my side... and only one (biological) grandparent... that's so wierd for me to think about. Maia will be bringing in 2 grandparents, but even she has lost her father's parents (Her grandfather also passed away this past weekend... we both lost grandparents that weekend...). So we are down to 3 grandparents and 2 great-grandparents.
But here's the part that I think hurts the worst; my dad is an orphan.
When my grandmother, Gigi died in 1995, mom called me up and said "I'm an orphan, now." I remember those words as if they were etched into my very soul. My mother, the unstoppable woman of Doom, whom had, up until that point, been so self-reliant and strong, sounded so small and scared. I said everything I could to help her out then... but what could I say? I was her son...
Now dad is an orphan... But he's not saying it. Maybe in his way he has already moved to that last line "What could I say? I am only his son..." But it's still true.
Dad's dad (Also named Guy) died when he was 15, in the late 1950's. Dad has had only Nanna for all of these years. But he
has had Nanna. And because of the life they led together, My father, my uncle and Nanna, struggling and fighting against all of that adversity, their bond was very strong.
And now it's gone.
Does it bother me that Nanna died? Yes. Deeply. Nanna was a brilliant woman, one of those people you rarely meet in life. She was one of my pillars of life. Always there to give a hug, always there to be strong for me. She had her moments, but don't we all?
But what could I say that hasn't already been said brilliantly by my father, who knew her far better than I did?
Nanna, you put up with the worst and the best of us (The three grandkids). And no children ever loved you more than we did. We glued your carpet together with wax, we almost burned down the house... probably more than once. We travelled the creek behind your house which was rife with water moccisins, even though you really didn't want us to do it. I can't even say how many times we messed up your living room, and we tore up your nice pillows. Through it all you smiled at us, chuckled at us, hugged us, kissed us, and when we woke up from staying up all night watching movies at an unreasonable volume, there were always blueberry muffins in that silver muffin holder that you had made just before going off to work.
Nanna, when Grandmother was dying you said, in your self-deprecating way; "You don't have to be here for my funeral, Guy, but try to be here for Grandmother's" And I said "Nanna, I won't miss your funeral, I promise."
Nanna, I missed your funeral.
